


Baby It's Cold Outside: Uncreeped

by foxinthestars



Category: Baby It's Cold Outside - Frank Loesser (Song)
Genre: Christmas, Discussion of Rape/Non-Con in author's notes, Gender Neutral, Other, Rape/Non-Con Fix, Rewrite, Song Lyrics, Winter, reclamation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 02:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17174522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxinthestars/pseuds/foxinthestars
Summary: A rewrite of the problematic-yet-popular holiday song.  After a Christmas Eve party, the last guest to leave just can't seem to talk themself out of the door --- until they and their host share the words they really need to say.





	Baby It's Cold Outside: Uncreeped

**Author's Note:**

> Hearing the original song has been bugging me all holiday season, but then suddenly I was inspired by a combination of factors:
> 
>  
> 
> [This article by Minda Zetlin](https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/baby-its-cold-outside-date-rape-kidnap-banned-history-context-william-shatner.html)
> 
>  
> 
> [This consent-centric rewrite by Lydia Liza and Josiah Lemanski](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amK4U4pCTB8)
> 
>  
> 
> And even the apologist explanation that the woman really does want to stay (which hardly seems to excuse the man's ceaseless creepy badgering, nor indeed the "what's in this drink?" issue I mean good gods).
> 
> So I tried my hand at writing my own alternate lyrics, keeping as much of the basic setup intact as I could while trying to make it into something genuinely sweet. I also wanted it to be more gender-neutral, so I identify the two voices as "Guest" and "Host."
> 
> As an addendum to my usual blanket permission policy, if anyone would like to actually perform the song with these lyrics, that would be awesome!

GUEST: I really can’t stay  
HOST: They tell me it’s cold outside  
GUEST: I got to go ‘way  
HOST: Be careful, it’s cold outside  
GUEST: This evening has been so very nice  
HOST: I’m glad — I’ll help you ‘cross that ice  
GUEST: I’m glad I met your sister  
HOST: I’m glad you’re jibin’ with her  
GUEST: This kind of thing’s what Christmas is for  
HOST: It really is, yeah  
GUEST: I really have got to go but…  
(Beat)  
GUEST: Well maybe just a half a drink more  
HOST: Should you be driving??

GUEST: I really must go  
HOST: I’ll give you a ride, my dear  
GUEST: Just look at that snow  
HOST: We’ll take our sweet time, my dear  
GUEST: It’s so hard to leave, we’re so cozy and warm  
HOST: I’ll drive so careful through that storm  
GUEST: My mother will be getting worried  
HOST: Let’s give her a call, yeah  
GUEST: The gossip stories won’t be denied  
HOST: I’ll be there on your side  
GUEST: I really can’t stay  
(Beat)  
GUEST: O but it’s cold outside!

(instrumental interlude)

HOST: Look, do you wanna stay?  
GUEST: I wanna be with you, dear  
HOST: Well, why didn’t you say?  
GUEST: But I don’t know what I’ll hear  
HOST: Well, who should complain, if I love you?  
GUEST: What’s that you say? You love me, too!  
HOST: I guess I should’a said it  
GUEST: You sounded like you meant it!  
HOST: Instead of just assuming you knew  
(Beat)  
GUEST: And I should be brave  
BOTH: O Baby, ‘cause I love you!

GUEST: Just watchin’ the snow  
HOST: Baby, it’s cold outside  
GUEST: In the fireplace glow  
HOST: Baby, it’s cold outside  
GUEST: This evening has been so very grand  
HOST: Out there’s a winter wonderland  
GUEST: It’s better to be together  
HOST: This is the best Christmas ever!  
GUEST: We’re cuddled up side by side  
BOTH: And here we will stay,  
‘Cause Baby, it’s cold  
Baby it’s cold outside!


End file.
